“There’s a limit to your love – Feist
I’ve been working a lot this week with being truthful and coming out of hiding. Like I’ve said before I’m not a liar but I’m certainly a hider. I definitely retreat in crisis, I take a looooong time before I can explain what’s wrong and often I will never say. I will separate myself from you if you hurt me and I do not forgive easily because it takes so much to hurt me and if you’ve gotten there, I’m already done.
So there’s a limit to my love.
That’s a big thing for me to realize about myself. I think that a lot of people who know me would be surprised or shocked…others who have been on the receiving end of my arctic wind are like “oh yeah, I knew that bitch.”
My mother does it as well, she fondly calls it “The Chop.”
So why all this now?
For one I started talking to my oldest friend more regularly again. Realizing that sometimes you just need to get over whatever it was that you were pissed off about and move on. Especially when almost a lifetime of friendship is at stake. Two, I have been reading the Journey (see blog a couple of days ago) to my classes and I am brought back to a time when I was doing some art therapy and the therapist said “I want to see everything that’s under there,” reminding me I’m a hider. Three, I wrote a very truthful piece of the blog (that’s currently set to private but may come back into the open later, it could hurt some feelings so I’m being mindful) but someone wrote me a letter and told me I was very brave. I thought to myself, yeah I am brave and brave people don’t hide. I don’t hide because I’m scared…I retreat because its easier to ice things over than feel them fully. I’m good at feeling most things but not all.
Finally, I come out of hiding because its my birthday this weekend. Birthdays always mark a time of reflection for me. It’s a check in time, where are you at, are you doing what serves you, are you fulfilled etc. etc. etc. In lieu of everything that’s been going on this week I realized that I’ve done so much work in my life, so much healing to provoke my personal growth, why would I continue to hide?
We hide when we fear intimacy. When we don’t rely on others, when we don’t put our trust in others, we can’t come into relationship with them fully. Friends, co-workers, lovers, children…we have to be vulnerable in order to engage fully, so they can experience the fullness of who we are and so we can experience the fullness of life.
So hello 33, here’s to coming out of the woodwork, standing naked under the microscope and still saying yes.