Ha! So after I proclaim myself to be working on a daily blog, my computer gets a wicked virus and I have to take it to someone to have it fixed. Needless to say we are back together for the first time in days. It was interesting being without a computer. Although I don’t use it nearly as much as I used to, I really do use it often. It’s a handy device but it’s also nice to be unplugged, even if it was against my will.
By publicly proclaiming myself and then not being able to follow through, I had to sit with embarrassment with a dash of shame. I knew that I could right the mishap as soon as I could get my fingers stroking the keyboard once more however, I did not like the idea of being placed as a phony in anyone’s mind. I had to sit with those sensations in my body while I waited patiently for my laptop’s return.
Murphy’s Law and other roadblocks on the long journey of life help me remember surrender. I have been struggling with this one. It all, for me right now, comes back to sleep and baby. We went out on Saturday night and she went to bed late. One night and its days to get back to ‘normal,’ whatever that means. I have to remain very conscious or I get explosive. People assure me this is normal but it feels anything but and the guilt that follows the rage is palpable. Here I arrive at the concept of surrender and also of forgiveness.
Surrender for me is the willingness to let go in the moment. This is usually around control and I am not comfortable in a place where my will is not obeyed. It’s funny because of course we can’t control everything and yet I still have this expectation that if I can manage the world around me I have less anxiety and more preparedness. A good example is keeping my house clean. I am not nearly as clean as I have been in my life but of course everything is cleaner pre husband, dog, kid. I am however very tidy and everything has a home. When my house is in disarray, I am in disarray but now with husband, dog, kid, I have to practice daily a surrender to chaos even when its extremely uncomfortable.
I used to be very strict in my sense of cleanliness. I would have a clothes pin on the toothpaste tube just to stop my husband from squeezing the tube in the middle. If that isn’t anal I don’t know what is. I have long since let go of that level of crazy. I found that as I managed my anxiety and did lots of personal work, my need to control my environment lessened. Thankfully there is still enough there that my house is clean (for the most part) and tidy (most of the time).
I find myself trying to apply this same principle to waking up twice a night. Although it doesn’t happen every night, it happens more nights than not and controlling my physical desperation for sleep does at times become hard. Enter anger. I’m not mad at anyone but I do recognize that as I’m trying desperately to remain calm at 4 am for the 5th time this week that my fuse is shortened. I feel sorry for my husband because I would never get mad at baby and so I take it out on him, launching secret, stealthy attacks like: he leaves wet towel on my side of bed, I take said towel and put it under the covers on his side of the bed. This happens probably once a week. I secretly hoping he will learn lesson and he secretly saying to himself f*&%er.
What’s the key to managing all this chaos? It’s not a tidy house, it’s a good dose of communication and surrender. The baby is not going to stop waking up until she’s neurologically ready and my husband is likely never going to stop putting wet towels on the bed. My job is to somehow manage myself by saying how I feel and again, like I’ve said so many times before, stop trying to swim up river because resistance is futile. I think my other job is to go to a hotel room for one night and get a full nights sleep. I keep saying I’m going to do this but the fear is that once I’ve tasted that sweetness, it’s going to make it worse. So I endeavour to stay conscious, do yoga and try to keep my cool.