I can’t believe I haven’t written in a week! The babe is not sleeping so well again so I have found myself slipping into a depression of fatigue…getting by on coffee and reading for energy and rest.
I was just spending my Sunday morning watching a show on Discovery about Bangkok. It made my heart ache. I was in Thailand 6 years ago and it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. It was a turning point for me in so many, many ways.
I had broken up with my boyfriend of 5 years (who I am now married to but that is an entirely different story) and was devastated as one would be. I had also had a job offer to work the front desk at the yoga studio that I went to and I can remember clearly the minute I said yes. It was one of those life defining moments where your soul speaks up in your mind and says, “even though this appears illogical, it is the right thing to do…go blindly and trust.” So I did. 8 months later I was in Thailand, solo, doing my first yoga teacher training.
This was one of the most healing experiences of my life. I think I cried every day of the training (the training itself was 30 days; I was in Thailand for 4 months). Each tear dissolving lifetimes. I was broken open and rather than it changing who I was, it revealed who I was. Yoga does this. It doesn’t change who you are, it lets who you really are, shine through.
Watching the show this morning I began to miss being in that place. I once had no mortgage, no car, no responsibility to anyone but myself. I could have floated around the planet if that had been my calling and if I’m honest it is partially my heart’s longing. I did in fact, last night, have this very conversation with someone I know who is doing that very thing. Living on only what they need in the moment and moving through life freely.
The trick with this lifestyle is you have to give up wanting. This is complicated in my culture because we are taught very young that we are valued on how we look, what we own and what we achieve. Having a house, a nice car, nice clothes etc are all things that provide security, status, etc. but do they? How much do we really need anyways? People in my culture prescribe to the idea that you need to work through your life to get what you want and that vacation is the weekend, 2 or 3 weeks a year and that life really starts when you can finally retire. I’m not sure I’m cut out for this life, but I’m certain my husband is. We do however try to meet somewhere in the middle. If I had my way, we’d sell the farm, travel the globe and my daughter would have the world as her classroom. Its hard to figure out how much of the game is worth playing.