I am putting my daughter to bed. She is clearly tired, her eyes red rimmed and glassy…and yet when I put her in her crib she fights to stay awake. Writhing in protest, she finally collapses under her own weight and is knocked out. I was watching her do this very dance last night and thought to myself, isn’t it strange that we all often fight against what we know is good for us; not to insinuate that the baby ‘knows’ sleep is good for her, but her mind seems to be fighting what her body wants to do.
Here in lies two great conundrums. 1. That the mind (ego) often overrides the body which in my personal life has led to physical exhaustion and is complicated by the fact that if you override the body, eventually it will stop performing and then the mind gets even more frustrated and things can spiral out of control. 2. That we often make choices that define insanity (doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results). WHY?!
I know that I can relate to these both when I think about my complicated relationship with food and lovers. Its funny I’ve never considered these to be related but now that I see them in the same sentence, I’m like damn, food really is love…
Food. It’s the bitch of my life. I have made leaps and bounds in our relationship over many years but she still comes to bite me in the ass. I know that you know what I’m talking about. I don’t need to launch into some explanation about society, girls and food, you got it and if you’re female, chances are you too are in this complicated relationship. I spent my whole 20s trying to convince myself that food isn’t the enemy and now that I believe it, I’m trying to negotiate my new belief system of food as friend with my post baby body; I’m certain they are not mutually exclusive but its a negotiation I’ve never made before and it can create what I like to call crazy brains.
Food in relationship to fighting what is good for us: when I’m feeling sad I sure as hell don’t sit down with a bag of baby carrots or I may, in a futile attempt to convince myself that this is really what I want only to find myself with the chocolate later. All I’ve done is eaten more to avoid eating the chocolate. In my new food philosophy (it’s the 30s now not the 20s), it’s very important to eat what you want when you want it, this is how we avoid crazy brains. I’m very proud of this philosophy, it has made me very healthy and happy physically and emotionally. However, I would be lying (and we are all about the satya, truth-telling) if I didn’t say that I have a hard time balancing this philosophy with my other philosophy of I’m done with the ‘baby weight’. Party is over poundage, time to heave-ho!
So chocolate is good for you, exercise is good for you, balance is good for you but what if balance isn’t getting you the results you want? This is where I’m at. The yoga is easy for me to do everyday. I know that sounds crazy to some but I’ve got that nailed. If I don’t do yoga, I’m done for, so I certainly get that done. Now after almost 40 days of yoga I’ve peeled back another layer and lo and behold here’s my food relationship standing in my face. F*%$. In the spirit of surrender, I’m going to let go and step in.