I have been contemplating what to write since yesterday…its not that I have nothing to say, its that so much is going on in my mind I have been trying to decipher what to say. I have decided that stream of consciousness is it.
I am beyond frustration. Last night, yet again, it was a struggle to get my sweet babe down to sleep. She is an amazing baby, hardly ever cries, always smiles and is extremely fun to be around. The going to sleep piece however we have not mastered. She always eventually goes to sleep and as I feel my tempurature rising, I always try to remind myself that eventually she will close her eyes and it will all be over. I don’t know why I allow this process to get me so activated. I know lots of other moms don’t. I know lots of other moms have the oceans of patience to tap into. You think I would being a yogi and all…I think I would being a yogi and all but what happens is I end up feeling guilty for getting so frustrated and that too is frustrating.
I sometimes punch the wall. Can you believe that? Even I can’t believe it. Sometimes I scream at the top of my lungs by myself in the living room just so that the energy isn’t building inside my body. Talk about crazy. It works though, it makes me feel better in the moment but I admit its not totally constructive. Its interesting because if I analyze it, I realize that its a young self that is acting here, not the woman who has a strong yoga practice and spirituality to source from. So why the regression? I think because being a mom brings up ALL your shizz. Which is good because it gives us an opportunity to clean it up, to look at it from an adult point of view, change the behaviour and move forward.
My asana practice is feeling good, body is feeling decent minus a tendonitis in my left shoulder (from carrying a 19 lb baby in her car seat). I did a meditation yesterday that melted all my anger so that I could see inside of it. Anger is anger but its always guarding another emotion in the body. For me its lots of things: missing my old life, dealing with my family, negotiating with my husband, things left unsaid. I’m not totally sure of the best way to deal with it. I have considered a step 4 process: making a fearless and moral inventory of myself and then giving it to G– (step 5). Even in writing this I feel better. I suppose its a different way to get the energy out of my body and clean it up.
When I sit and stop for a moment I realize that I’m trying to swim against the current of myself. Only crazy people try to swim up the river of consciousness. One of the things about Yoga is learning to step into the flow of life, go down the river and trust blindly that it will all work out. So as I sat outside on my deck this afternoon thinking about what I was going to write I realized that if I stop trying to fight, if I surrender, I can stop waging war against myself. My yoga is my way to surrender, to give it up to G– and wave the white flag.