Today was my most challenging day in motherhood so far (besides the birthing part which was its own category of challenging) and I’m certain it will not be my last…likely topped by short skirts and drinking but I have a few years before I have to battle that.
What I am currently battling is fatigue. I’m not talking I’ve had a bad nights sleep or even a week or two. I’m battling cumulative sleep deprivation. It has been a solid 10 months since I last slept through the night with no interruption. Last weekend I put my sweet babe in her own room, the down side of this is the physical getting up in the night as opposed to just rolling over in bed. I vowed that I wouldn’t start ‘training’ her to stop waking in the night until 9 months (we’ll see how long that lasts), when most people say they no longer need to get up in the night to feed. Last night I up for two hours (which is unusual) and then the sweet babe hardly slept all day and was not her self (teething I’m sure). The result, a tired momma who is trying to deal with her babe is a loving, compassionate and caring way and yet feels empty.
This is why I had to get back to my yoga practice. I was desperately trying to fill myself up; searching in my cupboards, my refrigerator…even trying to get my husband to give me some of his energy (don’t try this at home, you can’t expect others to fill you, NEVER works). When I said in my first post that my life had become unmanageable it had, I was desperately seeking something outside myself to fill me up. This is dangerous territory.
This is where yoga and my spiritual practice are so critical. Faith helps us source from something greater: nature, god, allah, buddha, whatever. The point is when we believe in something we can reach down deep and call on it to help us. Now you may argue that this is seeking outside of yourself, I argue no, because if you believe that we are all one, you are just tapping into the divine which is you anyways.
This kept coming up for me yesterday while I was practicing and teaching. I was so tired yesterday but I kept trying to restructure my thoughts and my language. As you think, so you become…you dream your world into being so if I sit there and tell myself all day that I’m tired, I’m certainly going to be.
Today I kept telling myself that I had nowhere to be, I could be with my baby, holding her, feeding her, playing with her and I would look back one day and all the fatigue would be forgotten but knowing of the magic of who we are would be that much stronger. I thank her every day for reminding me about that magic…looking at a baby is a constant reminder that we are all perfect and divine.